I went to one of my wonderful amazing friends wedding receptions today. I love her so much. We have been friends since high school, so a lot of people I went to high school with were there. I really did not like high school, I always felt like an outsider. I am really insecure and shy...around certain people, I guess. It was just so weird. I mean I was never a "cool" person in school. I did the plays. But I was never anything big and it is not like I stood out as a star, because I really wasn't that good. I just hung out with the theater people, and even with then I was on the outside, never feeling like I fit in.
But at the wedding these people were kind and all that, but I felt all of these feeling from high school come rushing back and taking me over. I couldn't talk to these people, I am so not cool enough. I felt awkward and uncomfortable...I mean what do I say to these ultra "cool" group of people who have all stayed in touch over the years and were all great friends. That are married and have cool lives...So I sat there and listened to them...all of these insecurities whizzing around in my head...I am not good enough, I am not cool, or funny, smart, or pretty, or outgoing, or everything else......
I know I put up this bubble that encloses me and it is all from fear, but I haven't felt that for a long time. It was just weird. I feel awful and mad at myself...I am just going to eat my cream of wheat and go watch a movie...maybe Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind...or Nacho Libre....I just needed to vent my feelings and insecurities....
Sam's 4th Birthday!
5 years ago
I am the exact same way. For some reason when getting around certain people I always feel like I have to be something better than I am, more perfect, more beautiful, like I have to put on this ere of perfection. When really be me is good enough. I hate those insecutities we feel. But I just want you to know that you are incredible, and if THOSE people can't see that or make you feel less than that then they were never worth your time in the first place. I love you so much. Come over please! I need to tell you about my new job, that I LOVE!
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Leah... I know exactly how you feel. It's hard to get over that stuff, but I think it gets easier the farther away from high school graduation you get. (It's even harder when your stinkin' siblings were popular!!, ugh)
ReplyDeleteI think it's easier to get over if you remember that in the real world, high school means absolutely nothing. Being the homecoming queen, most athletic jock, best thespian, etc... isn't worth anything to your coworkers, boyfriend, or any of your post-high school friends.
I still love you no matter what
:]
I love both of you so so so so very much and you always know what to say to make everything better!
ReplyDeleteDani we need to go to lunch! I am free after 1 in the afternoon most days. Give me a call when you are free! And a new job! I want to hear all about it! I miss you!
Kayleigh I am so glad that mozy brought us together, I will always love them for that. We need to chill more and I really want to help you spruce up your new apartment!
Is anybody cool enough, really? I had one of these, "I suck as a human being," nights this past week. At least you were good and ate Cream of Wheat. I ate ice cream and watched A Little Princess. ;-)
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I think you're pretty darn cool.